The Legend
Jul 9th, 2008 by Seamus
The Legend of the “Badger-Monkey”
Regius Professor of Combined Zoology and Anthropology, Tetley College, York University, England, Algernon Ribblesdale 1:
“There has been much speculation of late in esteemed learned journals on the veracity of the Genus SingeBadger, commonly know in the Shires of England as the BadgerMonkey2. I maintain, as I always have, that any doubt as to the existence of this phenomenon is the result of blind reluctance to accept the truth. Indeed, a mere five minutes’ conversation with any shepherd of the Dales will convince any Doubting Thomas’ that this is no mere tale to scare fractious infants.[editor's note: and so he bangs on for 5 pages]
The origins of the beast are indubitable. Records from HMS Oystercatcher dated 26th August 1887 state that, following the death of Able Seaman Phil McCrackin from Anstruther, Fife, his adopted monkey fled ship in Kingston-upon-Hull. Said arthropod had been purchased two years previous to this date in Bangkok in the Kingdom of Siam3. Upon its new found liberty this monkey is believed to have fled inland and settled in the approximate vicinity of Wensleydale. Her freedom was, alas, to be shortlived.
While out foraging for acorns one day, she chanced across Master Badger Baiter Seth Todger of neighbouring Giggleswick. He later admitted to snaring the monkey with manglewurzels laced with brandy. Upon returning to his village he promptly entered the new-found treasure against “King Stripe”, the badger terror of all Hexham. No sooner was the new-christened “Hard Nuts” confronted by the snarling and slavering Brock than she realized the superiority of her foe4. Deciding discretion to be the better part of valour, “Hard Nuts” promptly presented “King Stripe” with her monkey pudendum. As a prize stud, and the fittest of the two, he immediately acted upon his instincts.5
Utilising the guile frequently associated with his breed, the monkey scampered across the roof of the public house to safety. In the desperation resulting from four months of starved gestation, the unfortunate creature had no choice but to feast on the local livestock, a taste its descendants were never to lose.
Shortly a litter of three as yet undocumented offspring saw the light of day under the leaves of an ancient oak. Thus the legend of the BadgerMonkey was born…
©Hon Barnaby Quinn
“Hard Nuts” “King Stripe”
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1. Extracted from the British Zoological Journal, 30th September 1930, no. IX, vol XXVI.
2. Similar sightings have been reported in the Scharzwald area of Northern Germany, where the beast goes by the name BadgerMensch.
3. Monkeys of this clime are widely renowned for their sexual libido and remarkable coconut-gathering proficiency.
4. Master Seth Todger once told me “she were right royally fooked.”
5. The audience, however, were deeply disappointed, many disputing where the laurels of victory lay. The ensuing brawl was quelled only by the efforts of the local constabulary, five hours later.
